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You were the only face I'd ever known.
I was the light from the lamp on the floor,
and only as bright as you wanted me to be.
But I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,
and I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there.

It was the only place I'd ever known.
Turned off the light on my way out the door.
I will be watching wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there, longer there.

Well, you saw for yourself, the way it played out.
For you, I am blinded.
For you, I am blinded, for you.

I am no gentleman, I can be a prick.
And I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
(you have been followed, you have been followed.)
everything we had, everything we had.
(you have been followed, you have been followed.)
Everything we had, everything we had,
(you have been followed, you have been followed.)
everything we had...

I'll be with you wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.

Basically sums up how I feel right now. If the end of the world wanted to come two years early, I'd be down for that.

what an amazinggg night

DId I ever mention that the guy I mildly stalked in high school is getting married? So weird!

I got to watch Cobra Starship's concert tonight on that Nokia Live thing, it was amazing! It was one of the most amazing shows I've seen them do, and they weren't even headlining. It helped a lot that Pete fucking Wentz was there, he definitely made the concert so much more amazing, haha. I can't wait to see Cobra Starship again <3

I miss being in high school. Everybody always talks about how much they hated high school and they wouldn't go back even if you paid them, but I would so go back. High school wasn't exactly my glory days, and I certainly got picked on enough, but man. I miss being a teen. You don't have to worry about everything so much. I feel like pretty much all I do now is worry about my life, my future, and it fucking sucks. :(

Anyway I'm super fucking hyper right now, and it sucks because it's quiet hours in the dorms right now and I want to be ridiculously loud! Oh well, I'm having a quiet party of awesomeness. :D

new perspective

I've loved music since before I can even remember. Whatever I'm feeling, I can find something that speaks to me, something that makes me feel better, or worse, if that's what I want. I let music control me a lot, let it invade my mind and tell me what to do.

There have been songs and bands that I've disliked, instantly changing the radio station or plugging my ears so I don't have to expose myself to it.  This is just because I don't like the song (or the band, in Paramore's case). But even when the worse things happen to me with music playing, I don't end up thinking of those things when the song comes on. Whatever feelings I have for a song are brought on by the song itself and whatever is happening in the present.

Yesterday something different happened. I was watching Jennifer's Body, simply because Cobra Starship has a song on the soundtrack, when this song came on. I recognized it instantly. New Perspective, by "Panic at the Disco." I swear stopped beating for a moment and I feel like those poor boys must have felt when Megan Fox went demonic on their asses.

I had to leave the theater. I went out into the hallway, almost bursting into tears while I tried to catch my breath. I thought, maybe one day, I'd be able to listen to "Panic at the Disco" again. I don't know, maybe it was too soon, but now I feel like I won't be able to listen to them for a few years at least, if ever. Panic was my rock for so long and their split came out of now and it just... It tore apart so many fans. It was like they were saying "We love you guys and we know you've supported us a ridiculous amount and we're famous because of you, but hey, fuck you, seriously. We don't give a shit."

I can listen to The Young Veins with no problem. I love Ryan Ross, I'm not gonna lie, and I think his new band with Jon Walker is going to be a amazing. Something new, to help us heal. But the other two, keeping the old band name... I could listen to them, I think, if they started a new band too. But keeping the old band name is like rubbing salt in the wounds, trying to carry on with something that doesn't exist anymore. As far as I'm concern, Panic at the Disco doesn't exist anymore. And if that means not ever listening to Brendon Urie's beautiful voice anymore, than so be it.

Right now I can still hear their new song clearly in my head, so I'm listening to Eminem and Linkin Park to try to block it out. It'll probably work a little better once I'm done with this post and therefore not actively thinking about it.



Why can't I ever make it?

After every incident, I go for months without it happening. Usually five to eight months, I'll be happy enough that I won't have an incident. But then something happens after those months, and I lose it. I want to curl up inside myself and die, but I can't, so I have another incident to distract myself. It always helps. I always feel better after. I never regret it. But still, I wish I could stop. I really thought I had it this time. I really thought it wouldn't happen again. But it did and I hate myself. Not for doing it, I'll never hate myself for that. I hate myself for being weak. I hate myself for succumbing to my baser emotions and doing something I wish I didn't do, no matter how much I enjoy it. Because I know it's wrong and my friends and family would be so upset if they knew. But how can I stop doing something that makes me feel better?

Sep. 16th, 2009

Soo... Here I am! I don't know why I journal-hopped so much when I was in high school, but I have I think almost thirty different jounrals on livejournal. I wanted to come back to an old one, and this one was my favorite, but I forgot that so many people had it... Most of these people don't post anymore (or aren't my friend anymore), but still, it's weird. Anyway, I'll be using this journal again for awhile, who knows how long it'll last.

Gotta psy test in an hour and I haven't studied at all. I don't even know if I have a scantron.

...Oh man! I was just picking out a user pic for this journal and I see that I have an "Oliver Wood is officially yummy" user pic. Good stuff :]


So I forgot some stuff earlier, so I'm adding it here. Of course, now I forgot many of the things I was going to add... Lol.

I got a 92% on my history test yesterday! Woo! Which reminds me... Francisco has asked me for my number 3 times now. Haha. I don't know why I refuse to give it to him, but I do.

It's one thing when your friend tells you that a guy likes you, but it's different when someone you've hardly ever talked to tells you that a guy likes you. It's weird.

I'm under too much pressure.


Oct. 15th, 2005

I'M BACK!! WOO! Not on AIM yet though, it's still just at 62%

So Friday was eventful. Someone said I was pretty then called me conceited. Haha, loser. =) And the Micheal stalked me to sixth period... Freak! Haha, jk. He really did follow me though. Uhm, what else happened? I'm not going to France, which means I'll be going on tour... Yay? =/

Oh man, the football game... I got laid! Haha. Not really. Oh man, thje game was so fun. That's all I have to say.

I'm being bugged to go on myspace. Bleh. Oh well, I'll be back!

Oh, I got my Avenged Sevenfold shirt on Thursday! Yes! I'm so happy! YAY! =D

I love Michele Predmore more! So there! What now?
Ah, hello livejournal land! I miss the internet so much! Especially today. I had this dream last night and I really want to talk about it with someone (through aim, cuz that's that my favorite way) but nooo i have to go online on my dad's laptop which won't let me download aim! And this dream is killing me!! Grr.

So hopefully tomorrow will be good. I hope it's good. I hope I don't lose my nerve like I did on yesterday. Because this thing is going to bug me until I get it done.

Ok, enough vague rambling. Today was good, for the most part. I hate cell phones. Especially mine. It takes it at least a month to decided to show me my voicemails. Stupid piece of crap.

My mom ordered a new computer today, and it's supposed to come on Monday, so I'll be online again with aim by the 15th at the latest. Yay! Ooh, or maybe the 12th if I help my mom set it up...

Ok, I have nothing else to say in livejournal land. I have a lot more to say, but I feel it's rather personal so I don't really want to post it here. So good bye! <3<3

i hate aol

So the relay for life always makes me really sad. Especially this year, when my gramma just died from cancer. There were other reasons too though.

So I was going to write this big long thing but I hate my dad's laptop so I'm going to shorten my entry.

Highlights of the Relay:

*Skipping/Frolicking a whole lap with Coleen
*Save our boobies! (I love Alli, although she can really irritate me)
*Walking with Michele (yay for Michele- who i love more- making the whole relay ten times more enjoyable for me!)
*Drinking hot chocolate at 4 in the morning
*Sleeping outside on a chair (and waking up an hour later covered in dew with my left foot totally asleep, therefore resulting in my falling on the way to the tent and hurting my ankle- it still hurts)

I saw Corpse Bride! Yay! It was good, in my opinion, but it seemed really short, which was sad. I love Scraps and Gertrude! Lol.

I hate AOL. Grr. I wanna talk to people! =( *tear*



celene: too bad feelings arent like a light switch
celene: you cant turn them on and off
celene: guys, however, are like a light switch
celene: you can turn them on and off really easily
celene: lmao
me, or is it?: lol
celene: ahh i make myself laugh

me, or is it?: hey so i may not be going on tour this year
michele: aww
michele: why not?
me, or is it?: because im going to france/spain during spring break, maybe
michele: ooooo!!!
michele: very neat
michele: in that case, I totally forgive you
me, or is it?: lol YAYA
michele: I probably wouldn't see you much anyway since I'd be with band most of the time
michele: lol
me, or is it?: lol true

michele: (21:19:56) mason: Every time I see kaite I wave or smile and she kind of looks right through me
(21:20:31) mason: Unfortunate...
me, or is it?: really, i never noticed that before
me, or is it?: i feel bad now!
michele: (21:22:15) mason: Aww, don't tell her!!!
(21:22:26) mason: Now I feel bad
me, or is it?: lol
me, or is it?: yay we all feel bad!
michele: haha
michele: he says hi
michele: I told him to IM you, but he wouldn't
michele: just to spite me
me, or is it?: lol
me, or is it?: i say hi back

Ah, that made me sad. I stare into space so often I tend not to notice these things. I should try to stop diong that... Cynthia had to say hi to me like 5 times before I noticed just the other day...